![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
girls = crotchrockets?
May. 29th, 2007 | 09:24 am
So I'm onboard my flight back to Boston right now, after visiting with family for my brothers graduation. Sitting for 2 hrs really forces someone to just think about outstanding issues that are on thier minds etc.
E and I had a really long talk last night, the details of which I may go into at antother time. For now just let it be known that due to some of our relationship issues, and my lack of affection / respect towards her, she has broken down even to the point of needing to call the sucide hotline :(.
What I want this entry to be about is the following: I had this strange realization while i was in the airport today, some of which I think I already had figured out, but a good chunk of it is new to me.
I have big issues with wanting to be 'that guy', I see sucessful people on TV, magizines etc, people with wealth, intelliigence, good business sense, exciting lifestyles, or rediciously hot women. When I see these kinds of things a part of me inside starts to boil.. I find myself asking.. 'why cant I achieve that? why cant I be him?" This was really driven into me yesterday when one of my Dad's friends brought over his Lamborghini Diablo 6.0. At first, given my Dads set of cars I'm like ok no biggie, with age and investment comes weath and the associated rewards. The problem is, the kid driving the card, is a 23 yr old guy who never went to college, started a lawn mowing company out of highschool, lives with is parents, and bought the car outright. He seems to be a pretty cool guy and I think to myself, man.. this guy could get any babe he wanted... why cant I have that, or at least the means by which to buy fun toys like that.
That brings me to this analogy I just came up with. I feel that my relationship with E is similar to that of me and my motorcycle. I really enjoy riding the bike, but I dont put her though her paces, part of me is still scared about what might happen and I might never be able to ride the bike again if I got in an accident. I feel similar about E.. I really enjoy being with her and our kinks etc, but I have never really excercised the full potential of what we have. The analogy continues, my bike isnt anything particuarlly flashy, in all honesty I think some parts about the cowling is kind of ugly, things rattle a bit much on the bike etc.. I find myself wanting to get a new bike, always checking out any hot crotch rocket that comes screaming down the street and myself saying, damn I wish I had that. I want a brand new bike, race it, really push it to its limits, feel how tight the ride is etc. I think this same feeling can be extended to how I feel about other girls. The new bikes with a tight ride are the hot chiks that look like they could get you off with just a touch. I want to ride them, but.. I realized, its less of a desire to ride THEM, as it is a desire to ride in general. When I miss riding my motorcycle, I just miss riding in general, I dont miss my bike in particular, but I dont fantasize about other bikes as well.. I just miss being on a bike with the open road etc. So wheres this leave me... I think E is my current bike,I really enjoy riding it and I've grown a lot with her and my bike. I cant say that its the best bike in the world, but its MY bike, and I really have enjoyed bonding with her and my bike, getting to know how she responds and hopefully.. really learn to push the bike and the sexuality btwn my gf and I to what we are capable of. But there is a flaw in this analogy, my desire for another bike can be resolved, I just dont have the means by which to afford a brand new bike.. I feel that a bike that is both hot and really fun to ride is beyond my means and potential at this point in my life. There is a downside too.. I'm also afriaid that if did have a brand new 1000cc monster I'd probably kill myself or get numurous speeding tickets, similar to destroying my heart and getting into other problems if i were with a really flashy girl. Ive never had a brand new bike like that and I really dont know what it feels like nor how I could hurt myself... but I do know Ive been hurt pretty bad from going too fast on other 'hot'girls, in relationships where it was all about sex and speed, I never really got to know the girl / bike, and things went wildly out of control the first bump we hit bc I didnt have the stability with her to know how to course correct without wiping out.
Now where does all this leave me and E... I dont treat my bike as well as i could because I dont see my bike as a super flashy very had to obtain item, I dont feel that Its just going to get stolen or that I'l do something stupid on it. Just how with E, I dont respect her in a way that she deserves, and I admit it, how how I admit it with my bike. But you know what, its my bike, shes my girl.. I do wash and take care of the bike ocassionally just how I take care of E ocassionally too. I do miss being with her just as I miss riding my bike. I feel really special that its my bike and that shes my girl... but in a sense i'm shy to really show off my bike and really push its performance just how I am with E...
So is there a solution in sight? I dont know... I know that if I didnt have my current bike, I'd miss riding so much that I might settle for even riding some beat up old cruiser, something Im really not interested in, but satisfies part of me and I dont want that because of how hollow Ive felt in the past sleeping with girls just for fun and some degree of companionship. Some would say to dump E till I get that flashy new bike... but what if I never do get a hot new crotch rocket? I thnk there is a big part of me that feels or wants to achieve a number of impossible goals and based on how I treat people, just how with my current financial focus towards the house and saving for a new car, I cannot obtain a hot new bike. Take that out even further, when I do have the means to get that hot bike, who's to say I would even have the desire to shell out 15k for something really fancy like that....
I've said to myself that perhaps E could grow with me, over time i could give her tune ups, new performance parts, new confidence, take her to the track and race her around with the other bikes... That would really really be a lot of fun and I'd have a complete blast, but shes still not that brand new crotch rocket,... the problem is.. there will ALWAYS be something brand new, something faster with better handling, something sexier...
I guess thats the lesson... there will always be someone better, and if you spend your life chasing after the best there is, you will NEVER be truely satsfied with yourself...I need to understand this, know there will always be hot ass out there, but really appreciate the great ride I currently have. Im really lucky enough to be with a girl that would let me test drive other bikes as it is, and if thats not enough for me, then really.... nothing is....
Link | Leave a comment {8} | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
(no subject)
May. 28th, 2007 | 02:59 am
So I met my girlfriend 'E' back near the end of July in '06 on craigslist. For some background, I have been known to troll around on various websites like hotornot, myspace, craigslist, facebook for girls. I'd go though phases where I'd look around a lot, send lots of emails, talk to lots of girls, then periods of time where I'd be completely happy just keeping to myself. When I'd be in phases of talking to lots of girls it would vary between two different modes, looking for a good friends / hopeful girflriend if she was really awesome, or if its someone who has simiar interests, even just sexually, but whom I wasnt completely attracted to or didn't really jive with too well.. I'd just want to hook up with that kind of girl for fun and play.
Anyway, I had been single for about a year prior to meeting E. My last girlfriend was someone who I fucked for fun (mutually) and we just clicked so well that we started dating after that. The relationship with her lasted about 3 months till she found some beast porn on my comp. I'll post the details of that relationship on another post.
Back to E and I, we met when I was between a just for play / looking for girlfriend mode. I was really really starting to miss loving someone and being loved. I had about 3 or 4 sex partners between E and my previous girlfriend. In my opinion the girls I had been fucking for fun were nothing special. I'd find myself critizicing how they look, that they are way too shy, fat, stupid or couldn't communicate with me very well. The sex with a few of them was fairly good and plenty, with others it was rather bland and vanilla. None of them were really into all the kinks that I am into. Two of them were open to group play, but not bondage, video, or even more extreme things like k9.
E was different, a lot different. From our conversations online she was unique from the very start. A very smart girl who went to though college at a young age and advanced placement classes the whole way through. She loved sex, and lots of kink. Shes very bi and has had group sex play before as well as having gone to a few swinger parties. She likes bdsm and is a big sub (though sometimes likes to switch too :), she even wants do do k9 play and wild things like that. I was super excited too meet her, and when we finally met up at a coffee shop it was love @ first sight. I thought she was so hot, happy and full of life.
Things from the start were different that with any other girl I've been with. E and I took our time and didnt rush into the relationship physically. The first time we did have sex was several dates into it, and omg it was pheonominal. We fucked several times in a row back at my old place in concord. Her pussy was soooooooo tight on me and it felt so so good to be in her bare. We went out to my new house in somerville and fucked even more, in my bedroom w/o any furniture in, just on the floor and out on the patio, stuffing her full of my cock as much as i could. There was so much vigor and excitement that whole first month or two.
As our trust grew, and the discussions of kink increased, including talks about group sex, my sex drive increased even more. I once again found myself looking for girls on CL to cyber with or have join my gf and I. At the time I wasnt capable of grasping the gravity of what I was doing, nor did I even begin to consider it as something wrong, just an additional vent for my libido when my gf wasnt around.
Continued .....
just posting now so I dont loose it
Anyway, I had been single for about a year prior to meeting E. My last girlfriend was someone who I fucked for fun (mutually) and we just clicked so well that we started dating after that. The relationship with her lasted about 3 months till she found some beast porn on my comp. I'll post the details of that relationship on another post.
Back to E and I, we met when I was between a just for play / looking for girlfriend mode. I was really really starting to miss loving someone and being loved. I had about 3 or 4 sex partners between E and my previous girlfriend. In my opinion the girls I had been fucking for fun were nothing special. I'd find myself critizicing how they look, that they are way too shy, fat, stupid or couldn't communicate with me very well. The sex with a few of them was fairly good and plenty, with others it was rather bland and vanilla. None of them were really into all the kinks that I am into. Two of them were open to group play, but not bondage, video, or even more extreme things like k9.
E was different, a lot different. From our conversations online she was unique from the very start. A very smart girl who went to though college at a young age and advanced placement classes the whole way through. She loved sex, and lots of kink. Shes very bi and has had group sex play before as well as having gone to a few swinger parties. She likes bdsm and is a big sub (though sometimes likes to switch too :), she even wants do do k9 play and wild things like that. I was super excited too meet her, and when we finally met up at a coffee shop it was love @ first sight. I thought she was so hot, happy and full of life.
Things from the start were different that with any other girl I've been with. E and I took our time and didnt rush into the relationship physically. The first time we did have sex was several dates into it, and omg it was pheonominal. We fucked several times in a row back at my old place in concord. Her pussy was soooooooo tight on me and it felt so so good to be in her bare. We went out to my new house in somerville and fucked even more, in my bedroom w/o any furniture in, just on the floor and out on the patio, stuffing her full of my cock as much as i could. There was so much vigor and excitement that whole first month or two.
As our trust grew, and the discussions of kink increased, including talks about group sex, my sex drive increased even more. I once again found myself looking for girls on CL to cyber with or have join my gf and I. At the time I wasnt capable of grasping the gravity of what I was doing, nor did I even begin to consider it as something wrong, just an additional vent for my libido when my gf wasnt around.
Continued .....
just posting now so I dont loose it
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
first post
May. 27th, 2007 | 02:17 pm
So this first entry will try to answer the question as to why I've created this journal. For the past 3 years, possibly longer I've been trying to answer the question of who I am and what really makes me tick. Some of these discussions will be cross referenced in my main journal. There are many issues I'm dealing with that I am too shy to discuss openly with my main LJ friends, such as my sexual interests and what not. Things that I am comfortable talking about on my main LJ such as my motivations in life and pursuit of my goals will be post on my main LJ and not crosslinked into this journal.
On the bright side, despite the drama I will be posting a lot about my fetishes kinks and sexual adventures. Hope you enjoy it and feel free to friend me if you have similar interests and have had to deal with similar issues as I have.
thanks for reading
On the bright side, despite the drama I will be posting a lot about my fetishes kinks and sexual adventures. Hope you enjoy it and feel free to friend me if you have similar interests and have had to deal with similar issues as I have.
thanks for reading